January '17 Newsletter

For many families, homework is the number one source of conflict between parents and their kids. When kids won't do their homework or the quality of work is poor, the sparks begin to fly.

I interviewed the acclaimed parenting expert, author and columnist, John Rosemond, about what he believes parents should do regarding the issue of homework, and he outlined his ABC's:

A. All By Myself. Children ought to do their homework in a private, personal area -- not a high-traffic or family area like the kitchen. Insisting on a private area for homework tells your children that homework is their responsibility. As we help our kids move from dependence on us to becoming independent -- a private area allows them to function and complete tasks by themselves.

B. Back Off. Backing off means refusing to give children help with homework unless absolutely necessary. Although this is often difficult for parents, they need to realize that when children say, "I need help," it doesn't actually mean they do. According to Rosemond, when kids ask for help, about 80% of the time they are looking for mom or dad to solve a problem or bail them out of a situation that has frustrated them. When parents jump in to fix or bail out, they confirm for their children that they indeed were unable to solve the problem themselves. Backing off while supporting and encouraging your kids is the way to go. Even if kids fail, they will learn important life lessons.

C. Call It Quits. Rosemond suggests that parents set a time deadline when homework must be completed for the day, whether or not all assignments have been finished. When deadlines are set and kept, kids will begin to learn to manage their time more effectively.

These ABC's are nothing more than the approach to homework that most parents used 50 years ago. They might go against some popular thinking today, but they emphasize the development of self-discipline, responsibility, and the resourcefulness kids will need to become self-reliant and functioning adults.

I was walking through the Beatitudes with my 9th grade small group, and we came across the dreaded passage from Matthew 5:28, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." After we talked about it a bit, I made what I thought was a bold statement. I said, "I'm just going to assume that all of you guys are struggling with pornography. If you're not, that's great! But, I'm going to start with the assumption that it's a struggle for everyone. Let me know if it's not a struggle."

Every one of those guys admitted that pornography is a struggle in some way. Several made commitments to have an accountability program (XXXchurch.com) installed on their computer. A few even listed me as their accountability partner.

Pornography is insidious. Its lure is powerful and its addictive capacity is a bottomless pit. These days, with porn just a mouse click away, there's never been greater access to this destructive evil. Everyone is vulnerable, from teens to parents to Christian leaders. One survey found that 87% of men admit to using porn in the past month. Another study set out to research the affects of porn on young men compared to those who had never viewed it. When researchers couldn't find any young men who had not viewed porn, the study was abandoned!

When I assumed all the guys were struggling, I had hoped I was wrong. I wasn't. Everyone is just one mouse click away. This issue isn't going away. If we're not talking about it with our teenagers, we're missing great opportunities to help them. I believe the tormented boys in my small group really want to talk, they want help, they want freedom!

The Scriptures warn us (with good reason!) to flee immorality. No good thing will ever come to your life---or your kids' lives---relationships, marriage, family, or ministry from exposure to pornography.

If you or your kids haven't been caught in porn's snare, wonderful! Keep doing what you are doing but know that everyone in your family is vulnerable. If you or your kids have been ensnared, let me encourage (and challenge) you: it isn't the unpardonable sin. Do your best to flee or help your kids flee. God wants to help. Use accountability tools. Help is available. Get help. And let me tell you, as I told the guys in my small group, I know you (and your family) can win this battle. I believe in you!

It's reported that most Americans either never or only infrequently set New Year's resolutions and of those that do only a few are always successful in keeping them.

So, what if we take a more modest approach this year, setting the "resolutions" bar at a reasonable height? It just might make a difference. With the right attitude going in, the following five "just for today" resolutions can help to get your family's New Year off to a positive start. These are resolutions that most everyone has a good shot of accomplishing -- something that your family can live with. As you succeed, you might even end up incorporating some of them into your family life and identity.

Five Resolutions for the New Year
#1: Just for today, I resolve to create some warmth in my home. Everyone at home wins when we do our part to create a warm and loving atmosphere at home. Today, try some kind words, engage, pay attention (be a good listener), show appropriate physical contact (a kiss, a hug, a touch), encourage, and lighten up.

#2: Just for today, I resolve not to compare myself to anyone else. The temptation always exists, doesn't it? Yet, playing the comparison game is never good for us. We can always find someone who appears to have more, better, or easier. Remember, we always lose when we compare what we know to be true about ourselves with what we don't know for sure about others.

#3: Just for today, I resolve to give someone a choice. Life can begin to weigh us down when we feel we have no choices. Today, lighten someone else's load by finding a way to offer them a choice. Perhaps it's offering your child a choice between several chores around the house. Maybe, it's simply asking your spouse what he or she would like to watch on television this evening.

#4: Just for today, I resolve to prepare. We all have something on the horizon that will benefit from some advance preparation. The time invested in preparation usually pays off when the time to act on that something arrives. Today, look ahead to that future event, deadline, or project and take some time to prepare.

#5: Just for today, I resolve to laugh. It has been said that laughter is the best medicine. But many of us are too busy, live too complicated lives, or are in the midst of painful life situations, which makes laughter a rare occurrence. Just for today, add laughter to your to-do list. Take a few moments to remember a good joke, watch a comedy, or look up a funny video clip online.